Wear a Cardigan this Winter, You Idiot

Winter is upon us and that means one thing: weird temperatures. It’s a silly myth that winter is cold. You do not spend the majority of your time in winter in Britain feeling cold. Winter temperatures across this odd collection of islands are split down the middle, a 50/50 split between Holy Christ It’s Freezing and Too Warm Bloody Hell. The flatshare thermostat – untouched for months – becomes a battleground. The office air fluctuates between 5 and 36 degrees. The commute is a yoyo-ing drop tower of heat – sweltering tubes and freezing bus stops – and dressing for a night on the tiles leaves you agonising over whether you’d prefer to freeze to death at the start and end of the night, or boil alive in the middle. It’s a conundrum; it is.

Wear a cardigan. Conundrum solved.

They are the best clothing piece, I am convinced of it. Come, let’s explore the fluffy miracle that is: the cardigan.

First, let’s make it clear exactly which kind of cardigan we are discussing. Thin cardigans are for imbeciles. We are talking CHUNK. We’re talking big fat knits here, heavy knits that make you look like a wombat. Oversized, shawl collared, big big knits.

Pop on your cardigan and you’re all set for a winter’s day. Come wind and rain and driving sleet, you are ready, nestled in your big knit. But then you enter the office and – shit – Loraine from Sales has been at the thermostat and the office is Death Valley, although somebody left a window open in the loos and all within twenty metres is a desolate tundra. It’s a mess, but you’re ready – in your cardigan.

Because the beauty of the cardigan is that it doesn’t go over your head, like a stupid jumper. Sweltering indoor climes? Whip off your cardigan, my friend. Whip it off and sling it over your shoulder like a suave person would do. Off for a whaz? Wrap it back around you and shove your arms in deep. No matter what happens to the temperature, you’re ready, in your big big knit.

“But you could take a jumper off just as easily!” you cry. Shut the fuck up. Taking a jumper off at work – or anywhere, for that matter – is incredibly dangerous. Try it now, it’s inevitable. Pull up your jumper and your t-shirt rides up with it, and in a split second you’ve gone from dignified office worker to standing there with your head trapped in a woven prison and your tits flopping around for all to see – not to mention your horrible lint-filled belly button. Nobody needs to see that. Spare them, and wear a cardigan. I beg of you. Just gone and got your hairdo did? Here’s what you do: wear a cardigan. No more jumper-taking-off to smash your precious new barnet to bits.

Cardigan slip off easy. Cardigan slip on nice. Cardigan smart (not too smart), cardigan warm (not too warm). Cardigan look good on you. Cardigan look after you.